The Waiting

by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Oh baby, don't it feel like heaven right now,
don't it feel like somethin' from a dream?
Yeah, I've never known nothing quite like this.

Don't it feel like tonight might never be again?
We know better than to try and pretend.
Baby, no one could have ever told me bout this.

The waiting is the hardest part.
Every day you see one more card.
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart.
The waiting is the hardest part.

+++++++++++++

Life is a series of choices: off-ramps. We choose one road and leave the other behind, until we find the end of the road, or more than likely, the end of the road finds us.

Mom and I took a road trip to my cousin Mark's house in Indiana this weekend. Taking road trips is one of my favorite things to do - listening to Billy Joel or the Mamas and the Papas and watching road signs and oak trees pass me by.

I thought a lot about choices. My cousin Michelle got Welfare Aid from the government for her son Kyle's kidney problems. She spent it on a car, a VHS tape recorder, and who knows what else? My cousin Mark's daughter Bethany gets Welfare for two kids plus the third on the way.

Here I am, blind as a bat, and I refuse to get it. Why? There are two reasons, really. First off, the love of my life is in the Philippines...whether it be Mai or someone else, I don't know. I do know, however, that if Mai keeps running away from me, I won't find a lover anywhere but the Philippines. Also, I just won't roll over and play dead - not quite yet, anyway. Accepting welfare is like admitting defeat - something I've done too often in my life.

Still, I desperately want it to be Mai. I know she's reading this, so I don't know if I'm playing fair or not. But, I know that I'm waiting to return to the Philippines. Then again, there's Hong Kong. Could that be the answer? I'm not sure, in fact, I doubt it. I think that's more about taking a trip to some place other than Cebu.

Cebu is reserved for my memories of Mai - and I fear that she owns the island. If I return to Cebu to visit Jeanette, it just will bring up sore spots inside me. Spots I don't think I'll ever recover from.

I used to take showers to pass time while my heart ached. This time around, it's different. I don't have a whole-hearted ache. I'm too old for that, I guess. Instead, I just think about it, act as if this last May never happened.

Then, I have days like this, when my eyes seem like they're disintegrating and 'm waiting to go blind or die. What the hell is wrong with me? How come I constatly seek lesser options instead of going for it? Do I need a partner in crime for all accomplishments in my life?

This song, though, reminds me of Angie and Matt - when this song was a hit, Angie was dating Matt behind our dad's back. Sometimes sneaking out to see Matt, sometimes sneaking Matt into the house when our parents were out.

I think of Angie's pregnancy with Jacob. Now there's a choice...she could have gone at least two ways there, some of them not so pleasant to think about now.

I'm glad Bryce is around, too. He's the light in all of our eyes...the hope for the future.

Maybe that's why babies are so precious - they remind us of the endless possibilites and the paths yet to be chosen.