Afterimage

by Rush

Suddenly, you were gone
From all the lives you left your mark upon

I remember
How we talked and drank into the misty dawn

I hear the voices
We ran by the water on the wet summer lawn
I see the footprints
I remember

I feel the way you would
I feel the way you would

Tried to believe
But you know it's no good

This is something that just can't be understood

+++++++++++++

Here it is, February 15th, 2009 at 5am. Its a Sunday, which means the 5 percent of the world I'm living in is completely quiet. I stand on the sidewalk in front of my childhood home and listen.

Eric's birthday is in a month and I think about it often - he wouldve been 40. There is a large handful of schoolhouse friends who have left me in the last few years. I find it very sad...especially about the ones who have taken their own lives.

Even at its most trying, life is not that difficult. Most of the problems we face are self-wrought. Those that aren't are brought about by people who careen in and out of our lives, like balls on a pool table. Unlike the metaphorical 8-ball, we have some control over our direction and angle of attack.

I think it was lucky for me that Chuck's suicide came first. He and I were not close, even though we were on the same team in Reynoldsburg Youth Basketball during the eighth grade, we hung out together every lunch during our senior year, we went to the Winter Homecoming with a bunch of guy friends and we shared many of the same friends.

Even though there's a cloud-filled sky tonight, it reminds me of the year between high school and college. After Chuck Lane's funeral, Eric Yavitch confided to both Mike Butler and me. He'd said he had been having thoughts of suicide over recent months. He also said "I know we see what Chuck deals with on a different level."

I didn't know what to say, really. I had walked into his law office in 1996, wanting to throw myself off the bridge passing over the Scioto at I-70, just west of downtown. I have dealt with sucide and depression since I was 15 or so. I think it's odd that these two guys both committed suicide and I did not.

I still struggle...

But I don't dare to "flip the switch", because I just have things left on my "To Do List."

Mostly, these deaths of people close to me has brought me to a bigger conclusion: Life isn't about much. It's about the people in your inner circle - the parents and siblings and cousins and children and closest friends.

I had a falling out with one of these people in my Inner Circle about 3 years ago. Although we've made amends, the relationship still isn't on the same course it once was. I think it's time to make full amends. I miss his friendship very much.