by Rush
I can learn to resist anything but temptation
I can learn to co-exist with anything but pain.
I can learn to compromise anything but my desires.
I can learn to get along with all the things
I can't explain...
You can surrender without a prayer -
But never really pray without surrender.
You can fight without ever winning -
But never ever win without a fight.
+++++++++++++
In early 1995, I met Martin Pluth. He was a friend of an ex-girlfriend and we both liked Rush. We also liked hanging out and playing board games with a group of our friends.
There were three times in my life where I almost committed suicide - nearly unable to keep on strugglign with life.
The first time was February 1987. I actually slit my right wrist with a straight-edge razor blade. I still have that scar. I was having peer issues and couldn't deal with life (or more notably, a girl), so I became really depressed and pulled the razor blade over my wrist inside one of the rooms at the high school. I didn't bleed all that much. It stung like crazy and the pain really made it easier to stop.
On Leap Year's Day 1996, I packed my belongings in my room, left a clean note, then drove over to a frozen pond. I stood there for half an hour, pondering a jump into the lake. I didn't even get wet. I had left a note in my car, and decided that sooner or later, I better get back to the car or I'd go to jail for the attempt. I think that would make me nuttier.
In March 2003, I was diagnosed with Diabetes. My eyesight eroded terribly, but I had planned a move to Las Vegas, come hell or high water. I hadn't even given myself time to manage my diabetes before getting on the plane.
Now that I think of it, there have been other times, too. They've all been linked to either money or women. I guess that's no big surprise. We all struggle with love and money. They are two of the driving factors in all human beings.
I have this grand opportunity to fall for Jeanette. I'm somewhat excited about it. When we talk, I feel connected to her. Unfortunately, the first moment she signs off the computer - I'm off looking at Mai's webpages, disecting every detail of her and her family's pages.
It's a really unhealthy relationship. I think it was very healthy a time ago, but now it feels so alien and I almost don't like her at all. I think that's mostly her sister's influence in the matter. Then again, it may be the fact Mai had the total lack of taste to pick a new boyfriend for a first meeting EXACTLY one year after I left her arms.
I find that rude, distasteful, and I often come up with parallels between her and her wayward sister, who is essentially a mess of a person. I have no respect for people who have no loyalty. It's nearly as bad as being a rapist, in my own opinion. I don't think I'm over-stating that, either.
People who cannot sacrifice their ego or pride are very weak people. I do not respect them at all, regardless of their other amiable traits. In addition to Mai being that sort of girl, Chona was definitely that sort of person. I was lucky that Chona had the evilness to be mean immediately. Mai, on the other hand, can't bear to be the bearer of bad news. She can't face being less than semi-sweet.
Well, I should have known she'd run early on in our relationship when she confessed that she had a "bad habit of running away from committments." She reassured me on that day, and for a short time, I was VERY UNSURE of her as a person.
But, I hung on until I was hooked into her system - which is a bad place for me to be.
I think it's time to not only move forward, but don't dare to look back for awhile. Can I do it? I dougt it, but we will see. Hopefully this post will give me courage. I doubt that, too!
I just hope I heal soon enough that I don't lose Jeanette. She's a pretty fantasitc person with no flaws such as that. Hers are more of insecurity.
(sighing)
Life.
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